A Talk with Myself #1

Life is a wonder in many ways. It still strikes me how in one second your entire life can change. Until now, I have only written about my beliefs and opinions but today I’m going to write about myself.

I’m an Indian girl studying in 12th grade. Yes, I know ‘it’s the most important year of my life’. I have heard that many times from the people around me and I agree that to some extent it is true. That is why I have always wanted to score good. I was good in studies to start with. But this year has put my planning in tosses. In 10 grade, there were no obstacles to my plan, everything worked as I wished and I managed to get 10 CGPA. Then came the need to choose the stream. I went to a counsellor and the test that I wrote there lead them to suggest arts stream. Of course, ‘arts is not really safe’. I struggled to decide about which stream I wanted to choose. My heart said arts yet my mind said science. It was the wiser choice after all. Since I can always do arts after science too but the vice versa is not possible. And so I chose science thinking that in case this wish to choose arts is short-lived, I’d at least have other options but if not then I can always choose it after 12th. But I failed to see how I’d survive two years doing something I didn’t love. Yet, I was always good at all subjects but the interest for science was slowly dripping away. The school I joined is integrated which means it gives coaching for both board exams and other competitive exams. I remember the first week in the new school even now, I cried non-stop. Somehow, the very idea of managing this for two years haunted me. This made my father search for seats in an arts college and he managed to find one. But, by then the fear had subsided and as always I pushed my happiness aside and chose to move forward as I rejected the idea of moving to arts (I had a lot of reasons why I did that which I will probably mention in another article but none of them now seem valid to me). I studied, I got selected in a batch that is more serious about competitive exams. I refused to go to that batch as by then I was on the path of realisation that I didn’t want to study science after 12th. I chose the regular batch and did well in it. I also made new friends and had a lot of fun. 11th was good in fact. Then, came 12th. I wanted to study seriously. But, for some reason how much ever I studied I wasn’t able to score like before. Then I made up my mind that after summer holidays ( our 12th classes started before summer holidays), I’d study more vigorously. After the holidays, I started studying seriously making plans in my mind about how I’ll manage to score good just like in 10th. Then came the first obstacle. In June, I had a throat pain one night and the next morning when I got up I couldn’t breathe. Literally. I was struggling to breathe. My parents, grandmom everyone got scared. They took me to the hospital emergency ward and that day I got to know that I had a lung infection. Almost one month went in getting out of it. This was a first to me. But I made myself strong to continue the way I had planned even after this. But the infection had left me with asthma. I did get asthma attacks after that but they weren’t that bad as compared to the first time. But it would make me really tired after that during that entire day. So with my asthma, I was still trying to study better. Then in september, I started getting episodes of dizziness, nausea, fainting, depression, not being able to concentrate while I study and so on. We went to the doctors, no one was able to find the cause. Then, at some point my parents thought I was acting to not go to school because of what a doctor said. That shattered me the most. I have never acted to not go to school. Never. I’m not that kind ofย a person. Then, later when I started fainting, they realised it shouldn’t be pushed away. It was almost like me crying when I just talk to anyone and then episodes of feeling dizzy and nausea and increased heart rate and chest pain. It really made me weak and tired. Later, we found out that it is because of a tablet I was taking for my asthma. Apparently it shows side-effects rarely and I guess I had bad luck. Then, I stopped taking it but they said it will take two weeks to completely go. This way I lost almost 1 month. But later I kept getting it even after two weeks. But, it comes like once or twice a week only. My BP was also always on the lower side because of which also it could be happening, Later, I met this Ayurvedic doctor who said I have asthma and that the tablet was a steroid. He said I could also be feeling dizzy and all when oxygen doesn’t reach me brain. He said it’ll take 5 years to cure it, I know it’s a long time and I could get sick again anytime in these 5 years. When I think about all of it, it does haunt me.Although I look happy in front of others. When I’m alone, I usually start feeling sad. I have never been the kind of person who looks sad in front of others. I have always wanted to be happy with the little things in my life. I know this too shall pass.

I have three months left of which one month will go in practicals. So, I have to study in these two months starting from now for my board exams. I know I have very little time compared to others but it doesn’t matter to me. I have been punished for making myself suffer by choosing the subject I didn’t like. That is how I see it and I deserve it too. I know how stupid that must sound to some but I guess thinking that way teaches me a lesson. A lesson to always choose your happiness. But for now, I need to finish what I started. Even in this less time with chances of getting sick again, I need to score well. I will.

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7 Comments

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  1. Your talk with myself is inspirational.
    I had a similar story but in college.
    Pass your boards, then you can pursue whatever you like.
    Good luck ๐Ÿ‘

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The problems affecting your health are very unfortunate, but I’m sure you’ll pull through this stressful time and return to your original self as a more experienced and stronger person! ๐Ÿ™‚ Don’t be so hard on yourself for a decision you took more than a year ago. I’ve read somewhere, “Believe in yourself and you will be Unstoppable!”
    Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey ๐Ÿ™‚
    It takes guts to pour out your emotions so raw. There are few things things that are completely uncontrollable and this falls under that category. Decision making is a tough game and you’re doing well. Soon , when you walk down the journey of life (the fancy phrase people say) you will be proud of yourself.
    All the best !
    Love.

    Liked by 1 person

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